I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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