Are we in a gay sports bar?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
