sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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