Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
