I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
