First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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