Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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