Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
