My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
