Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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