Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
