You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
