tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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