My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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