Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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