I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
