I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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