Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
