you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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