I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
