oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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