i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
