Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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