he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
