you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
