Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
