Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
