Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
