I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I want her autograph on my taint
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
