i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
