Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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