batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
