Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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