Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
