Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
