You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
