there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
