Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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