this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
