Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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