Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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