im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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