What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
