And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
