Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
