Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
