??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
