the condom got lost in my hair
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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