Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
