Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
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You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
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