So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
