We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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