if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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