she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
