how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
