my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I love you. Go after that dick
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
