I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
